A substitute for natural pregnancy…

August 4, 2011. Posted in: Humor & Wisdom

Author Unknown

A substitute for natural pregnancy has been developed by Breed Bronson, Inc., makers of Infantill formula and other baby products. The YOUterus/Plus-centa unit was introduced in pharmacies and discount stores nationwide today.

A company representative explained the rationale for the product: “Many women find it inconvenient to carry their fetuses and maintain a healthy food supply for them for an entire nine months. Pregnancy changes their figures, can interfere with job performance, and requires avoiding drugs and junk food. And some men don’t like to be reminded that female sex organs don’t exist solely for them.”

After a woman’s fetus is implanted in a YOUterus/Plus-centa, the unit is simply kept in contact with a body having a temperature of 98.6* F. “But after the second trimester, ” commented the representative, “the fetus can maintain its own warmth. It can be left completely alone, except for periodic refilling of the Plus-centa feeding solution.”

When asked if such technology would be an acceptable substitute for a woman’s experience of new life developing within her, the representative stated: “We believe it will be fairly common for women to carry their own babies the first few weeks, when the thrill of motherhood is new. But soon, anyone experiencing nausea will be referred to our product. Eventually, anyone appearing pregnant after 6 months will be considered a fanatic.”

“Eventually there will be psychologists, completely ignorant of the history of human reproduction, who will state that after 6 months, natural gestation is harmful to the fetus’ independence.”

All preliminary research has indicated that artificially fed fetuses are significantly less healthy than their naturally nourished counterparts. The Breed Bronson representative commented: “The literature accompanying the units will state that natural pregnancy is preferable. But that won’t affect sales. We’ll spend millions on freebies to obstetricians, and they’ll convey to their patients that natural pregnancy is not greatly important, just a matter of personal preference.”

“Through advertising dollars, we’ll also enlist the media. Television will present natural pregnancy as abnormal by never showing it. ‘Yes, we’re expecting,’ your favorite sitcom character will say, ‘our housekeeper is carrying the baby right now.’ Parents will come to believe that pregnancy, especially in public, is immodest.”

“In natural pregnancy, only mom carries and nourishes the baby. With a YOUterus/Plus-centa, dad, grandma and sitter will all have equal access. We’ll promote this idea that democracy, and not quality or safety, is what is important in fetal feeding.”

When asked if the company was concerned about government regulation of a product proven harmful to developing babies, the representative stated: “Are you kidding? We project the government will buy one third of our units to distribute to poor women.”

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