| Question: Our
first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards the new baby.
He's obviously mad at us for disrupting the predictable flow
of his life with this new challenger for our attention. How
can we smooth things out?
Think about it: Before
the baby entered your family, your toddler was told he'd have
a wonderful little brother to play with, and how much fun
it would be. Then the little brother is born and your toddler
is thinking, "Are you kidding me? This squirming, red-faced
baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed
to be FUN?" He then "plays" with the baby in the only ways
he knows how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing
toys at the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You screech that
he's trying to suffocate the baby with the blanket. He gives
the kid a hug, and you explode in fury. Is it any wonder that
your toddler is confused?
Teach: Your first goal is to
protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how
to interact with his new sibling in proper ways. You can teach
your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you
teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and
encourage. Until you feel confident that you've achieved your
second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together.
Yes, I know. It isn't convenient. But it is necessary, maybe
even critical.
Hover: Whenever the children
are together, "hover" close by. If you see your child about
to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling
with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects
the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of "Nos,"
which may actually encourage the aggressive behavior.
Teach soft touches: Teach the
older sibling how to give the baby a back rub. Tell how this
kind of touching calms the baby, and praise the older child
for a job well done. This lesson teaches the child how to
be physical with the baby in a positive way.
Act quickly: Every time you
see your child hit, or act roughly with the baby, act quickly.
You might firmly announce, "No hitting, time out." Place the
child in a time-out chair with the statement, "You can get
up when you can use your hands in the right way." Allow him
to get right up if he wants - as long as he is careful and
gentle with the baby. This isn't punishment, after all. It's
just helping him learn that rough actions aren't going to
be permitted.
Demonstrate: Children
learn what they live. Your older child will be watching as
you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You are
your child's most important teacher. You are demonstrating
in everything you do, and your child will learn most from
watching you.
Praise: Whenever you
see the older child touching the baby gently, make a positive
comment. Make a big fuss about the important "older brother."
Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.
Watch your words: Don't
blame everything on the baby. "We can't go to the park; the
baby's sleeping." "Be quiet, you'll wake the baby." "After
I change the baby I'll help you." At this point, your child
would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate excuses.
"My hands are busy now." "We'll go after lunch." "I'll help
you in three minutes."
Be supportive: Acknowledge
your child's unspoken feelings, such as "Things sure have
changed with the new baby here. It's going to take us all
some time to get used to this." Keep your comments mild and
general. Don't say, "I bet you hate the new baby." Instead,
say, "It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time
with the baby." or "I bet you wish we could go to the park
now, and not have to wait for the baby to wake up." When your
child knows that you understand her feelings, she'll have
less need to act up to get your attention.
Give extra love: Increase your
little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I
love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs, and find time
to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior
problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of
time and attention.
Get 'em involved: Teach the
older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain
the baby. Let the older sibling open the baby gifts and use
the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to
put the baby's socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise
and encourage whenever possible.
Making each feel special:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent
topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked,
or who had more hair! Children can interpret these comments
as criticisms.
Take a deep breath and be calm.
This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce
outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards, and
focus on your current priority, adjusting to your new family
size.
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