| Is your marriage everything
you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down your
list of priorities since having children? Let’s face
it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes
your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation
upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage
is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will
be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll,
quite simply, have more fun in your life.
Make a commitment
To create or maintain a strong marriage you will have to
take the first critical step: You must be willing to put
time, effort and thought into your marriage. When I made
this statement during a lecture, one woman spoke up. She had
a quiet voice, but she spoke with determination, “Elizabeth,
I hear you, and I know what you say is right. But I have three
preschoolers! I work part time, do all my own housework, cooking,
and laundry. I just don’t have any more energy at the
end of the day to “work” on my marriage.”
I noticed that several other women in the room were nodding
their heads as she spoke and they waited for my response.
“I certainly understand! I have four children and my
own business, I know how busy life can be. But let me ask
you one vital question: how would you like to have three preschoolers,
work part time, do your own housework, cooking, and laundry,
and do it all as a single mother? Because if you take
care of everything else, and neglect your marriage, that’s
what could happen.”
Suddenly every mother who nodded a minute ago was looking
at me with wide eyes. The thought that their marriage, which
was at the very bottom of their priority list, could be in
jeopardy, hit them very hard. I noticed that I now had the
complete attention of several of the fathers who earlier had
seemed lost in their own thoughts.
Let’s take another look at the commitment statement
mentioned earlier. You must be willing to put time, effort
and thought into your marriage. The ideas that follow
will help you follow through on this commitment and will put
new life and meaning into your marriage. A wonderful thing
may happen. You may fall in love with your spouse all over
again. In addition, your children will greatly benefit from
your stronger relationship. Children feel secure when they
know that Mom and Dad love each other—particularly in
today’s world, where 50 percent of marriages end in
divorce; half of your children’s friends have gone,
or are going through a divorce; or maybe it’s your kids
who have survived a divorce and are now living in a new family
arrangement. Your children need daily proof that their family
life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment
to your marriage, your children will feel the difference.
No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom
when your marriage—and their homelife—is thriving.
So here’s my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions
and apply them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then
evaluate your marriage, and I guarantee you’ll both
be happier.
Look for the good, overlook the bad
You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner
has many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle
to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the
bad.
Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things —
dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter,
worn out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner
table — and choose instead to search for those things
that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the
baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace
in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn
out flannels or burp at the table.
Give two compliments every day
Now that you’ve committed to seeing the good in your
partner, it’s time to say it! This is a golden key to
your mate’s heart. Our world is so full of negative
input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people.
When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great
about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the
person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey
says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I married
you.” It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you
feel more loving.
Compliments are easy to give and they’re free. Compliments
are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them.
Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite
sauce.” “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It
was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip.” “That
sweater looks great on you.”
Play nice
That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many
times do you see -- or experience -- partners treating each
other in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even
treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted
and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes,
if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just
choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s
friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit – “If you can’t
say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at
all.”
Pick your battles
How often have you heard this advice in relation to parenting?
This is great advice for child-rearing—and it’s
great advice to follow in your marriage as well. In any human
relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The
key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and
which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll
find much less negative energy between you.
From now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine
the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How
important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight
over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing
this battle versus letting it go?”
The 60 second cuddle
You can often identify a newly married couple just by how
much they touch each other — holding hands, sitting
close, touching arms, kissing — just as you can spot
an “oldly-married” couple by how little they touch.
Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical
contact with their partners because their babies and young
children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling
that day’s end finds them “touched fulfilled”.
So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch
your spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage
– the good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs
the effort.
Here’s the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart make
it a rule that you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch
and connect. This can be addictive! If you follow this advice
soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other more
often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.
Spend more time talking to and listening to your partner
I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s
soccer uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.”
Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about
what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes,
your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those
things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions.
And then listen to the answers.
Spend time with your spouse
It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you
spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy”.
You need to spend regular time as “Husband” and
“Wife”. This doesn’t mean you have to take
a two-week vacation in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice,
too!) Just take small daily snippets of time when you can
enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet companionship,
without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve
or a teenager begging for the car keys. A daily morning walk
around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the children
are in bed might work wonders to re-connect you to each other.
And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about your children
when you’re spending your time together, because, after
all, your children are one of the most important connections
you have in your relationship.
When you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that
nurtures your relationship, you may find a renewed love between
you, as well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be
a better, more loving parent. You owe it to yourself —
and to your kids — to nurture your relationship.
So take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30
days. And watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.
|
|
