| It’s a curious affliction:
the tendency to talk about one’s children in the most
brutally honest and hurtful ways without realizing that the
cherished subjects of the offensive comments are listening
to every word. Right now, you may be saying to yourself, “This
never happens to me.” Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I think
there’s a good chance you’ll see yourself in at
least one of the following examples.
Unloading a cart full of Cheerios, macaroni-and-cheese and
hot dogs at the grocery store’s checkout counter, a
harried mother chats animatedly to the cashier. “…
Only one more week ‘til summer vacation, then the kids
will be home all day. I can already hear the bickering and
whining! I don’t know how I’ll manage to live
through the next few months! Want to buy two kids, cheap?”
The cashier laughs and shakes her head, “Oh, no thanks,
I have my own! I know what you mean! I’m already waiting
for next September!” In their supposedly innocent light-hearted
banter, neither one notices the shopper’s two children
standing right beside her, listening quietly to every hurtful
word. Neither one notices a pair of small eyes cast downward
just so, or a nervous little cough.
Consider Amir’s situation as he walks in the door after
another grueling day of work. His joyful, eager children run
for Daddy, but Mom spies him coming in just before they have
their chance to pounce. And the daily gripe session begins.
“I am SO glad you’re home. I need five minutes
of peace and quiet. These kids drove me crazy all day! Abdi
and Sheida have been like wild animals. They were fighting
in the living room and knocked over the potted fern. Aria
has been acting like a two-year-old—having temper tantrums
over every little thing. The wash machine is broken again
and I have four stacks of kids’ dirty clothes piled
up in the laundry room . . .” Quietly and unnoticed,
three dispirited children fade into the background of the
family room and turn on the TV.
Then there’s Megan, chatting on the phone with her
best friend. As usual, the conversation turns to the daily
issues with their children. Megan dramatically relates how
very annoyed she was with Kyle at baseball this morning. “I
was so embarrassed!” she groans. “Kyle struck
out and he stomped his foot like a baby and threw his helmet
on the ground. You’d think he was five years old instead
of 15!” She chuckled. “ I think adolescent hormones
are taking over.” Meanwhile, said adolescent is just
a few feet away, pretending to work on his homework—but
actually suffering the embarrassment of listening to his mother
talk about his very real pain as if it were some big joke.
I know many parents who slip into the type of unfortunate
conversation of a mother and father who approached me after
a recent parenting lecture. They were anxious to talk with
me, bemoaning their three-year-old’s latest behavior
problems. “Molly’s been a good girl until recently.
It’s like we’ve entered the terrible twos a bit
late. She’s just no fun anymore. She’s constantly
yelling ‘No!’ to us and won’t listen to
a word we say. We’ve tried to be patient, but she’s
pushed us to the end of our rope!” I glance down to
see a little three-year-old (Molly, perhaps?) clinging tightly
to her father’s leg. But she’s only three, she
doesn’t understand what they’re saying, this couldn’t
possibly hurt her.
Or so we think.
The Hidden Message
“I can talk about you all I want, and since you’re
just a child you’re not listening to what I say anyway.
You’re not worthy of the same respect I’d give
another adult. Besides, this is how I REALLY feel about you,
and I don’t care about your feelings—you’re
just a kid so your feelings aren’t important.”
Think About It
If you don’t believe that your children hear your casual
remarks, try this: As you chat with a friend or your spouse,
casually slip a question in the middle of your conversation.
Something along the lines of, “Do you think we should
round up the kids and take them out for ice cream?”
Be ready to hop in the car when you hear the chorus of, “Yes!”
from the four corners of the house.
Children do not always react outwardly to what they hear.
However, if you could see into their hearts, you would find
a record of every careless word, every thoughtless action,
every adult laugh, that here, in the most tender and vulnerable
of places, was not found so funny. Here would you find also
significant—and often, inappropriate—meaning attached
to these products of childhood observation. Children struggle
through the growing-up process, and along the way they question
who they are and what their meaning is to this world and to
their parents. A parent’s potent words, and the multitude
of other comments, gestures and actions, help a child paint
a picture of who he really is, and how important he is in
this world. How tragic for that child if, despite how we really
feel, that painting is not the masterpiece we envision!
Changes You Can Make
Given the extreme importance of your words, it simply makes
good sense to choose them carefully. From now on, if your
child is within hearing distance assume that he may be listening—and
don’t say anything about him that you wouldn’t
say to him.
If you see a bit of yourself in the previous examples, you’re
no different than most parents. But that doesn’t mean
that this behavior needn’t cease. Such a simple change
could have a very positive impact on your children’s
lives. As you talk about your children—and let’s
face it, they’re among our favorite topics—pay
attention to how those words sound from your child’s
point of view. If you think that what you’re saying,
or about to say, can be construed as hurtful or embarrassing,
stop. Talk about something else.
If you’re not sure what you’re saying has a negative
impact or not, ask yourself how you would feel if you overheard
someone talking about you in those exact words. Or perhaps
you can ask yourself, “If I were talking about my boss/spouse/best
friend to another person, with the object of my comments listening,
would I ever say such a thing?” If your answer is a
mortified laugh, then stop mid-sentence and rephrase your
comments in a more positive way, if you find them absolutely
crucial to the conversation.
Better yet, find something shining and wonderful to say about
your child, and be sure your child hears it. That type of
“casual comment” can yield life-enhancing benefits
to your children. It may help them compose a more wonderful
vision of themselves. An image that they can carry with them
for the rest of their lives.
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