I remember when I was lying in
my hospital bed after the birth of my fourth child, Coleton.
I had endured a full day of labor and a difficult delivery
(who says the fourth one comes easily?), and I was tired beyond
explanation. After the relief of seeing my precious new child
came an uncontrollable feeling to close my eyes and sleep.
As my husband cradled newborn Coleton, I drifted off; my parting
thoughts were, “I can’t do this. I don’t
have the energy. How will I ever take care of a baby?”
Luckily for me, a few hours of sleep, a supportive family,
and lucky genes were all it took to feel normal again. But
as many as 80% of new mothers experience a case of the baby
blues that lasts for weeks after the birth of their baby.
This isn’t something new mothers can control —
there’s no place for blame. The most wonderful and committed
mothers, even experienced mothers of more than one child,
can get the baby blues.
What are baby blues?
Your baby’s birth has set into motion great changes
in your body and in your life, and your emotions are reacting
in a normal way. Dramatic hormonal shifts occur when a body
goes from pregnant to not pregnant in a manner of minutes.
Add to this your new title (Mommy!) and the responsibilities
that go with it, and your blues are perfectly understandable.
You’re not alone; this emotional letdown during the
first few weeks is common after birth. Just remember that
your state of mind has a physical origin and is exacerbated
by challenging circumstances — and you and your body
will adjust to both soon.
How do I know if I have the baby blues?
Every woman who experiences the baby blues (also called postpartum
blues) does so in a different way. The most common symptoms
include:
- Anxiety and nervousness
- Sadness or feelings of loss
- Stress and tension
- Impatience or a short temper
- Bouts of crying or tearfulness
- Mood swings
- Difficulty concentrating
- Trouble sleeping or excessive tiredness
- Not wanting to get dressed, go out, or clean up the house
Could it be more than just the baby blues?
If you’re not sure whether you have the blues ask your
doctor, and don’t feel embarrassed: This is a question
that doctors hear often and with good reason. If you’re
feeling these symptoms to a degree that disrupts your normal
level of function, if your baby is more than a few weeks old,
or if you have additional symptoms — particularly feelings
of resentment or rejection toward your baby or even a temptation
to harm him — you may have more than the blues, you
may have postpartum depression. This is a serious illness
that requires immediate treatment. Please call a doctor
today. If you can’t make the call, then please talk
to your partner, your mother or father, a sibling or friend
and ask them to arrange for help. Do this for yourself and
for your baby. If you can’t talk about it, hand this
page it to someone close to you. It’s that important.
You do not have to feel this way, and safe treatment
is available, even if you’re breastfeeding.
How can I get rid of the blues?
While typical baby blues are fairly brief and usually disappear
on their own, you can do a few things to help yourself feel
better and get through the next few emotional days or weeks:
Give yourself time. Grant yourself permission
to take the time you need to become a mother. Pregnancy lasts
nine months, the adoption process can take even longer, and
your baby’s actual birth is only a moment — but
becoming a mother takes time. Motherhood is an immense responsibility.
In my opinion, it is the most overwhelming, meaningful, incredible,
transforming experience of a lifetime. No wonder it
produces such emotional and physical change!
No other event of this magnitude would ever be taken lightly,
so don’t feel guilty for treating this time in your
life as the very big deal it is. Remind yourself that it’s
okay (and necessary) to focus on this new aspect of your life
and make it your number-one priority. Tending to a newborn
properly takes time — all the time in his world. So,
instead of feeling guilty or conflicted about your new focus,
put your heart into getting to know this new little person.
The world can wait for a few weeks.
Consider as objectively as you can just what you have accomplished:
You have formed a new, entire person inside your own body
and brought him forth; you have been party to a miracle. Or,
if you've adopted, you've chosen to invite a miracle into
your life and became an instant mother. You deserve a break
and some space in which to just exist with your amazing little
one, unfettered by outside concerns.
Talk to someone who understands. Talk to a sibling,
relative or friend with young children about what you are
feeling. Someone who has experienced the baby blues can help
you realize that they are temporary, and everything
will be fine. A confidante can also serve as a checkpoint
who can encourage you to seek help if he or she perceives
that you need it.
Reach out and get out. Simply getting out (if you are
physically able and okayed for this by your doctor) and connecting
with people at large can go a long way toward reorienting
your perspective. Four walls can close in very quickly, so
change the scenery and head to the mall, the park, the library,
a coffeehouse — whatever place you enjoy. You’ll
feel a sense of pride as strangers ooh and ahh over your little
one, and your baby will enjoy the stimulation, too.
Join a support group. Joining a support group, either
in person or online, can help you sort through your feelings
about new motherhood. Take care to choose a group that aligns
with your core beliefs about parenting a baby. As an example,
if you are committed to breastfeeding, but most other members
of the group are bottlefeeding, this may not be the best place
for you, since your breastfeeding issues won’t be understood
and you won’t find many helpful ideas among this group.
If you have multiples, a premature baby, or a baby with special
needs, for example, seek out a group for parents with babies
like yours. And within those parameters, look for a group
with your same overall parenting beliefs. Just because you
all have twin babies doesn’t mean you will all
choose to parent them in the same way, so try to find like-minded
new friends.
Tell Daddy what he can do to help. It’s very
important that your spouse or partner be there for you right
now. He may want to help you, but he may be unsure
of how. Here are a few things that he can do for you —
show him this list to help him help you:
- Understand. It’s critical
that your spouse or partner feel that you understand that
she is going through a hormonally driven depression that
she cannot control — and that she is not “just
being grumpy.” Tell her you know this is normal, and
that she’ll be feeling better soon. Simply looking
over this list and using some of the ideas will tell her
a lot about your commitment to (and belief in) her.
- Let her talk about her feelings.
Knowing she can talk to you about her feelings without being
judged or criticized will help her feel much better.
- Tend to the baby. Taking
care of your baby so Mommy can sleep or take a shower can
give her a breath of fresh air. Have her nurse the baby
and then you can take him for a walk (using a sling will
keep Baby happy) or go on an outing. A benefit for you is
that most babies love to be out and about and will enjoy
this special time with you.
- Step in to protect her. If
she’s overwhelmed with visitors, kindly explain to
company that she needs a lot of rest. Help her with whatever
household duties usually fall to her (or get someone to
help her) and do what you can to stay on top of yours. Worry
about the house’s cleanliness or laundry upkeep will
do her no good whatsoever. If relatives offer to take the
baby for a few hours, or to help with the house, take them
up on it.
- Tell her she’s beautiful.
Most woman feel depressed about the way they look after
childbirth — because most still look four months pregnant!
After changing so greatly to accommodate a baby’s
development, a woman’s body takes months to regain
any semblance of normalcy. Be patient with both her body
and her feelings about it. Tell her what an amazing thing
she’s accomplished. Any compliments that acknowledge
her unique beauty are sure to be greatly appreciated!
- Tell her you love the baby.
Don’t be bashful about gushing over the baby. Mommy
loves to hear that you’re enraptured with this new
little member of your family.
- Be affectionate, but be patient
about sex. With all that she’s struggling with
physically and emotionally, weeks may pass before she’s
ready for sex (even if the doctor gives the okay.) That
doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or need you
¾ she just needs a little time to get back to the
physical aspects of your sexual relationship.
- Tell her you love her. Even
when she isn’t feeling down, she needs to hear
this — and right now it’s more important for
her health and well-being than ever.
- Get support for you, too.
Becoming a father is a giant step in your life. Open up
to a friend about how it feels to be a Dad, and do things
that you enjoy, too. Taking care of yourself will help you
take care of your new family.
Accept help from others. Family and friends are often
happy to help if you just ask. When people say, “Let
me know if I can do anything” they usually mean it.
So, go ahead and ask kindly for what you want, whether it’s
watching your baby so that you can nap, taking your older
child to the park, helping you make a meal, or doing some
laundry.
Get some sleep. Right now, sleeplessness will enhance
your feelings of depression. So, take every opportunity to
get some shuteye. Nap when the baby sleeps, go to bed early,
and sleep in later in the morning if you can. If you are co-sleeping,
take advantage of this special time when you don’t have
to get up out of bed to tend to your baby. And if your baby’s
sleep patterns are distressing to you then reach out to an
experienced parent for help, or check out my book The
No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep
Through the Night.
Don’t fret about perfection right now. Household
duties are not your top priority now — in fact, nothing
aside from getting to know your baby is. Remember that people
are coming to see your baby, not your house,
so enjoy sharing your baby with visitors without worrying
about a little clutter or dust. Simplify, prioritize, and
delegate routine tasks, errands, and obligations.
Enjoy your job. If you work outside the home, then
view your time at your job as an opportunity to refresh and
prepare yourself to enjoy your baby fully when you are at
home. Go ahead — talk about your baby and share pictures
with your co-workers. Chances are, they’ll love to hear
about your new little one. This is a nice and appropriate
way of indulging your natural instincts to focus on your baby
when you can’t be with her.
Get into exercising. With your doctor’s approval,
start exercising with short walks or swims. Exercise will
help you feel better in many ways both physical and emotional.
Even if you didn’t exercise before you had your baby,
this is a great time to start. Studies prove that regular
exercise helps combat depression, and it will help you regain
your pre-baby body much more quickly.
Eat healthful foods. When the body isn’t properly
nourished, spirits can flag ¾ particularly when the
stress of recovery makes more nutritional demands. If you
are breastfeeding, a nourishing diet is important for both
you and your baby. Healthful foods, eaten in frequent meals,
can provide the nutrition you need to combat the baby blues
and give you the energy you need to handle your new role.
And don’t forget to drink water and other healthy fluids,
especially if you’re nursing! Dehydration can cause
fatigue and headaches.
Take care of yourself. Parenting a new baby is an enormous
responsibility, but things will fall into place for you and
everything will seem easier given time. During this adjustment
phase, try to do a few things for yourself. Simple joys like
reading a book, painting your nails, going out to lunch with
a friend or other ways in which you nourish your spirit can
help you feel happier.
Love yourself. You are amazing: You’ve become
mother to a beautiful new baby. You’ve played a starring
role in the production of an incredible miracle. Be proud
of what you’ve accomplished, and take the time to know
and enjoy the strong, capable, multifaceted person you are
becoming.
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