Deciding whether to expand your
family by one more -- whether this would be your second child
or your sixth -- is one of the most significant decisions
you will make in your lifetime. There is no crystal ball to
show the consequences of your decision in the future. A great
number of variables come into play here, and the answer to
the question, “How many children?” is vastly different
for every family.
The questions to ask yourself
The key to making this decision is to ask the right questions,
and to take the time to search your soul and figure out the
answers. There are no “right” answers here, because
we are all very different human beings.
Why do I want another child?
Reasons may run the gamut from wanting a sibling for your
child, to simply loving to raise children. Consider what you
know of yourself, your view of family life, your own upbringing
-- the countless reasons of the heart. If it’s the amazing
experiences of pregnancy and childbirth you miss, remember
that your commitment only begins with these and continues
long after the baby’s arrival. If you’re considering
another child due to pressure from your parents, in-laws,
other relations or friends, tune their voices out for a bit
and listen only to those of yourself and your mate. This decision
must come from the two people who know your situation best,
and who will have to live the day-to-day realities of another
child.
How will another baby change our economic
position? Are we willing to make that change?
You’ll note that the question is not, “Can we
afford another baby?” The issue runs deeper than that,
because many families are more than willing to make the necessary
financial compromises. You need to be realistic: Adding a
child does add expenses. But “economics” addresses
resources beyond the strictly financial. You also need to
consider your time, your patience, and your attention -- all
essentials that will have to be divvied up among more than
one child. Most people find that there’s plenty to go
around because of one related, easily renewable resource:
love.
How will life change, and are we ready
for that change?
Since you already have a baby, you know how much time a new
baby demands in his first few years. A second (or third or
ninth) is no different and will tug at your hours along with
his siblings. While you shouldn’t base a major life
decision on the next 24 months, you do need to remember that
one year follows another: each year builds on the one previous.
So make a realistic assessment of how this will change
your lives both now and in the future that follows.
How will a new baby affect the lives
of your other children?
Babies have an effect on the whole house, not just mom and
dad. How a new sibling will affect the child you do have isn’t
a reason to have (or not have) more children, but the unique
characteristics of the child you already have should factor
in to your decision.
Are you and your partner on the same
page?
The two of you must discuss your thoughts about another baby
and come to an agreement, one way or the other, that both
can be happy with.
Is this a question of when?
Perhaps you know that you want another child, but you’re
not certain if now is the right time. Here are some points
to consider:
- The impact of pregnancy.
Studies demonstrate that waiting at least 18 months between
pregnancies gives you the best odds for a healthy pregnancy,
delivery and baby. This isn’t a guarantee, of course,
and many women who have babies 10 months apart have normal
pregnancies and healthy babies. Generally speaking, however,
ample time between pregnancies gives your body a chance
to recover fully.
- The waiting time for adoption.
Depending on the situation under which you adopt, a long
period may elapse between when you first make your decision
and when your new baby actually joins your family.
- The age gap issue. How far
apart in age should your children be? No perfect answer
there either… I’ve experienced both sides of
the issue: My first three children are all two years apart,
and then there was an eight-year gap before my fourth child
arrived. I can clearly see that both situations have advantages.
The bottom line is that the personalities of your children
and your family patterns will have more to do with their
short- and long-term relationships than anything as simple
as the number of months or years that separate their birthdays.
- The biological clock and fertility
issues. In today’s world, many couples are
starting their families later in life. If pregnancy is your
route to your next baby, you’ll certainly want to
investigate the factors involved in conception. While women
can have babies in their forties (my son Coleton arrived
when I was 41), fertility rates drop dramatically after
the age of 35. Achieving pregnancy (and finally meeting
that new family addition) may take longer than you expect.
What’s in your heart?
If you’ve thoroughly examined all the issues involved
in adding another baby to your family, and your heart and
soul continue to have an empty spot that craves another child
(or conversely, the doubt and fear are overwhelming), then
perhaps you already have your answer.
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