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There is No Doctrine for Attachment Parenting:
Being AP is a Frame of Mind!
by Diana
West, IBCLC
Reprinted
with permission from the author.
Since the beginning of civilized time, parents have been drawn
together by the common bonds of parenting philosophies, forming
communities of mutual support and information based upon those principles.
The evolution of Internet bulletin boards and email lists has expanded
our interaction capabilities exponentially, nearly eliminating the
previous geographical limitations of parenting communities. Now
parents from all countries and cultures are able to participate
in parenting discussions, and many have found that they naturally
gravitate to the large online parenting community bound together
by the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP).
Some of the earliest posts to the AP online community have been
from parents who question and berate themselves for not adhering
to what they perceive to be the practicing requirements of AP. Depending
upon the mood of the discussion, these might be the use of slings,
extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, or perhaps the avoidance of
strollers, cribs, playpens, vaccinations, circumcisions, television,
synthetic fabrics, allopathic medicine, disposable diapers, plastic
toys, pacifiers, or bottles. Each time a parent questions whether
she is truly an AP parent because they have chosen not to follow
one or another of these methods, it is a heartbreaking blow to the
essential self-assurance that all parents deserve. The fact that
there seem to earmarks of Attachment Parenting makes so many of
us think that if we do not practice all the "correct" AP methods,
then we cannot call ourselves an AP parent. I heartily disagree.
I believe that being AP is a frame of mind.
An Attachment Parent is not one because of the type of carrier
she uses to transport or maintain proximity with her kids. She may
not have the physical ability to carry a child beyond his first
six months. She may not have ever learned the knack of using a sling
and may instead prefer a Snugli. Or perhaps she has more than one
child, or very spirited children, who are more practically conveyed
in a stroller.
An Attachment Parent is not one because of the way that she feeds
her child. She may have had a breast reduction and lack the capability
to produce a full milk supply. She may have to supplement, but the
supplement you see in that bottle may not be formula. Perhaps it's
donated breastmilk. Certainly it would be better if she didn't use
a bottle, but sometimes, especially outside of the home, that is
a much more practical feeding method when supplementation is necessary.
It may be that she is bound by a very observant religious culture
that prohibits revealing portions of the body, and so in public
she may feed her child expressed milk in a bottle.
An Attachment Parent is not one because she and her children sleep
together in a family bed. Some children (and some adults) simply
do not sleep well next to another person. Even some infants fret
and are restless when another body infringes upon their space. These
kids are highly sensitive to touch and are easily overloaded. A
perceptive mother, such as an AP mother, will understand this about
her child and allow him his space, while still maintaining proximity.
An Attachment Parent is not one because she stays home with her
children. There are many family circumstances that absolutely require
the mother to work outside the home so that her family can have
even the most basic of necessities. Even though these families may
not appear to have financial difficulties, we can never assume that
they don't, because we can't know all of their pressures and obligations.
An Attachment Parent is not one because she does do all of these
things. These practices certainly foster attachment, but they are
easily circumvented when a parent simultaneously treats her child
with disrespect and emotional threats.
An AP parent is defined by how she interacts with her child. Does
she make a long-term commitment to spending as much time with her
children as she possibly can? Does she include her children in every
appropriate aspect of her life? Are her children an integral part
of her life, rather than an inconvenience that must be quickly taught
to comply? Does she respect the individuality, feelings, and thoughts
of her children? Is she in tune with her children's needs and does
she seek to meet those needs as a primary priority? Does she interact
with her children in such a way that an ever-deepening bond is developed,
rather than polarizing the respective positions of power between
her and the children? Does she seek to be an emotional coach or
is she a policeman?
An AP parent is one who wholeheartedly believes that children are
inherently good and that by fostering an atmosphere of complete
trust and intimacy, a bond is created that provides those children
with the foundation and security to become their best selves. It
really has little to do with the tools we use to be Attachment parents.
All that is important to qualify us to be an Attachment Parent is
simply that we parent from an Attachment Parenting frame of mind.
Copyright
© 1999 by Diana
West. No portion of this text may be copied or reproduced in
any manner, electronically or otherwise, without the express written
permission of the author.
Added to website:
11/06/2002
