There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
A four-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh” it’s already too late.
Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Duplos will not.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over then with roller-blades, they can ignite.
The fire department has a five minute response time.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house four inches deep.
Superglue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a wading pool you still can’t walk on water.
VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It does, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.